I'm so fucking centered right now
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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