i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
