just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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