I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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