Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
