If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
