My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
