went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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