God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Welp...herpes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
