I looked at my own cervix.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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