Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
