one two three fourrrrnication!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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