apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
