WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
