We named our party play list daddy issues
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
