Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
