When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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