i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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