I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's blow job season.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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