Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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