My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
