she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
