cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize