hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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