I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
