i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My balls are so social today.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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