I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
