i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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