I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
