So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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