Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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