his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
