Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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