I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
