I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
