As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
