that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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