Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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