I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
then he tried to convert me to islam
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
