You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
