What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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