FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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