Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
