O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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