remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
we should paint friendship bongs
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