I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
