From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
