Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Even my vagina gasped.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
