I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
