i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
