ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
