ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
