You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
