your thong is hanging out like whoa
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
