Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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