i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
