Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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