I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
