Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
